The First Annual Celebrity Cross-Country Electric Vehicle Road Rally to Save the Planet From Evil Republicans
or, T.F.A.C.C.C.E.V.R.R.S.P.F.E.R. ???
Last week saw the inaugural running of this cross-country EV rally to raise awareness of the impending climate catastrophe and the well-known fact that Republicans and conservatives do not care one whit if we all die in a fiery conflagration despite numerous dire warnings that failed to materialize.
The organizers of the rally chose to hold opening ceremonies amid the lights, sights, and sounds of nighttime Lower Manhattan, to add a certain drama to the event. The star-studded gala featured glamorous celebrities, all of the Kardashians that could be rounded up, Green New Deal sponsors and sycophants, and delusional trans activists.
Anderson Cooper officiated, and former New Years’ Eve slut sidekick Kathy Griffin was brought out of mothballs to reignite the vibe of their previous Times Square teamwork. She promptly disrobed in a misguided attempt to get Cooper aroused. Failing, she attempted to put her clothes back on while being escorted away by police, and the festivities then continued.
The rally got off on an inauspicious start when Master of Ceremonies Alec Baldwin, firing the starting pistol without verifying it wasn’t an actual .357 magnum, took out a CNN camera crane operator, who fell twenty-five feet, landing on Greta Thunberg, interrupting a staged arrest of the diminutive activist. Screaming “How dare you!” at the deceased cameraman for spoiling her moment, Thunberg then implored first responders to ignore the dead guy and proceed with the phony arrest.
Forty-three electric vehicles whirred to life, dashing toward the Holland Tunnel only to discover that the Westbound tube was closed from 11:00 PM until 5:30 AM to repair damages caused by Superstorm Sandy in October 2012. If this doesn’t prove the inefficiency of Liberal government, I don’t know what will.
Anyway, in a mad scramble, confused and desperate drivers sought alternate routes off of the island, most dashing toward the Lincoln Tunnel, while several Californians, unsure which side the ocean was supposed to be on, mistakenly headed to Brooklyn and Queens.
The Portland team only made it to 9th Avenue and 28th Street in Chelsea, when the battery in their Hyundai IONIC 5 exploded, hurling them into the air to land on the nave roof of the Church of the Holy Apostles, shaken but uninjured. Flaming chunks of Lithium were launched across the street and into the lobby of the New York City Health Department, where fortunately no one was hurt although the building would subsequently be declared a Superfund site.
All this mayhem occurred in the first hour and thirty-seven minutes of the rally, prompting NBC’s color commentator to wonder out loud whether the rally was doomed, which would soon be shown to be a stunning understatement.
By the first rays of dawn, the remaining forty-two vehicles had managed to get off Manhattan Island, although the Burlington team received a rude awakening when they reached Jamaica Bay, not expecting to see salt water for another 2,900 miles.
Contestants primarily took one of two routes to the finish line in San Francisco: the northerly route following I-80/90 (43 hours); or I-70 (46 hours) to the south, although several decided to follow back roads in what can be fairly described as ill-considered leftist reasoning.
At Donegal, Pennsylvania, the team from Sedona left the interstate for recharge and drove their Mercedes-EQ EQE on state route 31 toward the hamlet of Mt. Pleasant, where they encountered a decidedly unpleasant experience. The little town, southeast of Pittsburgh, has but one charging station, at the corner of South Diamond Street and Goo’s Way, next to the parking lot of the NAPA AutoCare Center.
The charging station sported the standard J1772 EV connector which fit snugly into the Mercedes’ port. A problem arose when it was discovered that the charging station was coin-operated and no one on Team Sedona carried cash. The clerk at the parts store was not authorized to give cash back on a credit card, so the team had to drive to a local bank ATM, then return to charge the car. This cost them precious forty minutes plus charging time. Unbeknownst to the team, just up the road in the town of Standard Shaft was a credit-operated charger on the grounds of the public library. Also at Tarrs, Ruffs Dale, and Hunker.
On day two of the rally, Team Eureka Springs plowed into one of the rally’s twelve diesel-powered, portable diesel-generator charging trucks, destroying two and damaging one of the six onboard generators, and the front of the Tesla Model X. The Tesla was still operational but fell steadily behind the pace due to the ruined aerodynamics of the car, requiring additional charging stops along the route.
Team Lily Dale ran into a truck loaded with live turkeys near the city of Troy, Ohio at the I-70 and I-75 interchange. Thirteen of the truck’s bins broke open spilling dozens of turkeys, that spewed turkey offal and plumage all over the team’s Volvo XC40 Recharge effectively tarring and feathering the vehicle. The crew eventually rejoined the race after being turned away from four car washes before running the Volvo through a fifth, as there was no attendant on duty. That car wash was rendered inoperable for nearly a week.
Meanwhile, Team Roswell, piloting a Ford F150 Lightning on the I-90 route, was passing through Chicago’s south side when a stray bullet slammed into the truck’s charging port unbeknownst to the crew. Team Roswell spluttered to a stop three miles shy of Geneseo, Illinois, unable to recharge. They spent the remainder of the race getting hammered in the two-star-rated Geneseo Comfort Inn and Suites bar at $105 per night. They could not locate any pot shops in the small town.
Day three: The Rivian R1T operated by Team Cassadega, was spotted being towed eastward on Route 6 toward Des Moines, Iowa by an International Harvester combine. It is not known what caused the breakdown. The team leader, who was working on her nonbinary life story during charging downtime, found she had enough time to fill two chapters while awaiting repairs.
Team Bolinas attempted to recharge while moving using a generator in the bed of their GMC Hummer EV pickup. The team leader had operated an air tanker boom in the Air Force before becoming gender fluid and they thought the idea would work on the EV. They surmised that stopping for gas for the generator would be faster than waiting for a recharge, and according to their calculations, two and a half hours could be shaved from downtime per day. However, they forgot to test the concept before embarking.
Just past Boonville, Missouri, they switched into charging mode, not realizing that the power steering and drive train would be disengaged. Losing control of the Hummer, they drifted into the I-70 median and rolled the vehicle three times, somehow landing on its wheels. Miraculously, the only effects were scrapes, bruises, and the interior splattered with energy drinks and hummus. During the rollovers, the generator was ejected, smashing into and destroying an illuminated sign advising of a dangerous detour ahead. They fled the scene leaving behind the generator and a cooler containing their supply of Red Bull.
Team Austin had covered the outside of their Audi Q4 e-tron with solar panels. During recharges, the panels would assist the charging station reducing the time it took to top up. While effective, the panels created aerodynamic drag, reducing battery life. Nevertheless, a small gain was achieved between the addition of the solar panels and the practice of turning off the power when going downhill (and struggling against the loss of power steering), and the team was making exceptionally good time. Until they reached Indianapolis. It turns out that I-70 thru downtown was closed, and traffic was detoured around the city on I-465 North, adding three hours and twenty minutes of bumper-to-bumper to the trip, erasing all the gains made so far.
In Reno, Nevada, Team Boulder, parked their Lucid Air at the famed Mustang Ranch brothel, to enjoy some sex without being required to recite a Feminist diatribe or to ask permission before every move. The team members—including the women— were so overjoyed to experience sexual freedom for the first time since Middle School, that they stayed for two days in continual frolic. Spent, but happy, they meandered leisurely toward San Francisco, stopping to see tourist attractions and roadside stands along the way. They reached San Francisco three days after the rally was over.
By the end of day three, due to mishaps, accidents, bad driving, poor judgment, and woke engineering, the field had been reduced to just 11 vehicles.
The first to reach San Francisco was Team Madison, in a Ford Mustang Mach E. While the team was barreling up Broadway, two shoplifters suddenly dashed across the street with a shopping cart full of purloined makeup, sundries, hair products, cigarettes, and adult diapers. In order to avoid striking them, the driver swerved, lost control, and plowed into a tent city in a hail of syringes, fast-food wrappers, stolen bicycles, tent parts, and cartwheeling unconscious junkies. All four tires were punctured by needles and one crew member was inadvertently injected with methamphetamine, and quit the team to join the homeless community. Team Madison was out of the race.
The now-leading vehicle, a Honda Pilot LX helmed by Team Ann Arbor, was attempting a left turn onto Jones Street from California Street in San Francisco. One block up the hill was the finish line at Jones and Sacramento, the highest point of Nob Hill. The driver was traveling too fast to make the turn even under optimal conditions and lost control after hitting a slick of human excrement. Spinning wildly, the Pilot bounced off an SFPD crime scene van and slid down the entire length of Jones Street, taking out pedestrians, parked vehicles, and two drag-show performers, becoming airborne several times before crashing through the front doors of Market Street Cinema, an astonishing eleven blocks downhill, causing fully-nude, panicked strippers to exit the stage doors into the alley believing that the theater was— as rumored— haunted.
The next-fastest EV, helmed by Team Detroit, happened to be heading up Jones Street at the same time that Team Ann Arbor was careering down. As it happened, the latter became airborne after hitting the intersection at Pine Street and pinwheeled just over the top of the Detroit’s BMW i7, whose crew enjoyed a close-up view, through the moonroof, of the Pilot LX’s undercarriage before it landed, backward, and continued down Jones Street to its ultimate collision with the cinema.
Team Detroit now had the finish line in sight. As the driver floored it uphill, a transvestite jumped out of the way to save his/her/zir/they/whatever’s life, and the Pilot continued clawing its way up to Sacramento Street and the finish line, only to ram a cable car filled with Japanese tourists who whipped out their selfie sticks in midair to photograph themselves flying over of the carnage.
Having “successfully” crossed the finish line, and despite the mayhem, officials gave Team Detroit the win on a technicality, allowing the city to claim an exceedingly rare win.