I bought a tack hammer the other day and this sticker was on the handle:
This implies (to me at least) that there must be alternative uses for this tack hammer other than, say, hammering tacks. Uses whereby you might ingest said tack hammer or use it for reproductive purposes. Talk about kink.
But, hey, it’s California.
This one was on the windshield of a rental car in San Francisco:
What, if I may be so bold as to ask, are you supposed to do with this information? Walk everywhere? How do I return the car if it’s too dangerous to drive it?
There might be a case to be made that an automobile could have some connection to reproduction (wink!), but still, typically you’re getting intimate in the car, not with the car. Unless you’re this guy.
Again, it’s California.
Once you notice these warnings, you see them everywhere: on appliances, bicycles, laundry baskets— everything. They’d probably label the Sun if they could figure out how. Speaking heliocentrically, what about sunscreen? Can that cause cancer while protecting you from cancer?
I’ll concede that if you ingest, wallow in, or consort with enough of just about anything, you might get cancer. But are Californians too dense to understand this without warning labels?
“Hon, I want to reheat the shoelaces alfredo. Should I use the oven or the microwave?”
I’m struck by the wording “…known to the State of California…”. How does a state know anything? Cali prolly has a degree from Caltech. California is ground zero woke, so it’s plausible it went to university. Odd thing is, Indiana doesn’t seem to know that everything causes cancer. Or Alabama. (I’m not saying Alabama causes cancer, or that Indiana causes Alabama. That’s just poor writing.)
I wouldn’t blame Californians if they discarded the contents and ate the packaging. Why don’t they have a separate warning label for the packaging?
This packaging contains chemicals known to the State of California…
(Turns out they do. On tin cans. One of the difficulties of trying to write absurdist exaggeration about our culture is that no matter how far you take an idea, too often you find out it’s real.)
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Anyway, I’m not sure the warning goes far enough, so I’m going to propose a better, more comprehensive version:
PROPOSED REVISED CALIFORNIA PROPOSITION 65 WARNING
This product is made of stuff. Stuff is known to the State of California to cause cancer, birth defects, reproductive harm, shingles, halitosis, forest fires, blackouts (grid and mental), depression, stupidity, dolthood, and dissipation of the four humours.
DO NOT: Put your tack hammer, automobile, dishwasher, tennis racquet, or anything else made of “stuff” into a giant grinder to render the item into a fine powder that can be sprinkled on baby food, infused into a mineral-rich tea, or slathered on your skin. This is a BAD IDEA. California has tried it and that’s how we know it’s harmful. At least take it to Nevada if you insist on trying it.
I don’t think Californians need to get up in arms about abortion rights. If you live there, everything is trying to kill your baby.