Modern education has been on a track toward diversity, inclusion, and equity (hereinafter, DIE) for many decades following the successful hostile takeover of teaching institutions— also known as The Long March. Several generations of brave activists have come and gone without the satisfaction of seeing the full results. This new scholarly institution intends to bypass all roadblocks and accelerate progress toward the completion of the DIE goals. At DiversiVersity, the waiting is over.
At this institution, we’re skipping the march. We’re going to create our institution from scratch. Here’s how it will work:
1. The only white people on campus will be unpaid servants. Each will be assigned to a Person of Color, LGBTQIA+, differently-abled, or neurodivergent person and will be the personal property of the student, professor, or administrator. They will only speak when spoken to.
2. Upon acceptance to DiversiVersity, each student, faculty member, administrator, or other employees will be given a complimentary DNA test. An ID card will be given to each person containing a pie chart of his/her/their/zir/hir, etc, precise genetic makeup, which will be used for access to all classes, dorms, facilities, protests, and riots. Persons without the proper genetic profile cannot attend inappropriate events and venues.
3. Each student’s tuition, room and board, personal expenses, and universal basic income will be paid by a white person chosen at random from the U.S. population. Each professor’s salary and perks will be paid by a randomly-selected white person. Each administrative employee will receive the same benefits.
4. Ten-year-olds will be taken off the streets of the inner cities and given full, tenured professorships.
5. Each student, upon enrollment, will be awarded a Ph.D. in their personal “Way of Knowing.”
6. No curricula authored, reviewed, edited, proofread, or handled by any white person will ever be taught at DiversiVersity, with the following exception.
7. Derrida, Foucault, and other postmodernist philosophers will be declared Persons of Color to facilitate the use of their celebrated works in the curriculum. The total of their combined output will be merged into one document and randomized, in the hope that sections of it might become cogent. Snippets of the document will be used as coursework.
8. Ibram X. Kendi will receive a royalty any time anyone uses the letter “X” in any paper, speech, course material, signage, graffiti, tire branding, outburst, or utterance that takes place on campus. This includes LatinX.
9. The only mandatory class will be “Why It’s OK to Hate White People.
10. Critical Race Theory, Intersectionality, and Marxist Theory will be the only subjects taught at DiversiVersity. These curricula will be taught in every class on any subject regardless of the title of the course. An example is below:
Cooking breakfast employing a Marxist/Feminist perspective.
ABSTRACT: Contemporary deterministic heuristics can impede, and simultaneously implore, vulnerable contraindications of utopian/dystopian scientism, resulting in inchoate contradictions retarding the effectiveness of breaking ovoid structures and imbuing thermal energetics into brined essences while reinforcing gender stereotypes. Add toast, jelly, and piping-hot coffee, and you’ve really got something. Yummy-nums!
11. Speaking of food, there will be separate cafeteria lines for African-Americans, Africans, Latinos, LatinX, Hispanics, Hyspanicks (hysterical Hispanics panicking), Native North-, South-, or Central Americans, Alaska natives, Native Hawaiians, and Pacific Islanders. Asian students will only have access to foods that make them dumber.
12. Faculty and staff will use the word “praxis” when speaking or writing as often as possible.
!!!. This is a problematic, triggering number, so we have skipped it while conceding that “skipping” is white privilege.
14. All classes will be held in safe spaces, with readily-available cookies, Play-Doh, and plush animals. Students can stop the course at any time if they feel unsafe and be allowed sufficient time to collect their wits or change their underpants.
15. Trigger warnings on course materials will be preceded by trigger-warning warnings. The purpose of the preemptive warnings will be to alert hypersensitive students who are triggered by the idea of a trigger warning to be warned to stop reading immediately, lest they risk being triggered unnecessarily. In the event of a premature or unanticipated triggering, the affected student may fall to the floor, assume the fetal position, and wail helplessly for as long as necessary. All teaching activities will desist until the affected student can recover. If, after a “reasonable time” has elapsed and the student shows no signs of recovery, the entire class must relocate to another safe space before continuing.
16. The administration will announce fake guest lectures of well-known Fascists, racists, misogynists, sexists, homophobes, transphobes, and other conservative leaders. These guests will not actually appear on campus, but the idea of their appearances will be used as a pretext for campus-wide protests without the risk of hearing violent words or ideas.
17. Special buildings filled with flammable materials will be erected on campus. These will resemble police stations, Federal courthouses, Hobby Lobby®, or Chick-Fil-A® franchises. Bricks, Molotov cocktails, spray paint, and sledge hammers will be supplied— at no cost— to students to assist in the vandalization and immolation of the buildings, which will be promptly rebuilt by an overpaid, under-staffed, unqualified diverse work crew at the expense of white people.
At DiversiVersity, The Long March has succeeded spectacularly. A full-blown Marxist utopia has been created for the enjoyment and enrichment of everyone except heteronormative white people, who can, frankly, shove it. Show us your racial/gender/sexual orientation/furry/queer bona fides and, if you’re diverse enough, you are welcome to join the campus family.