Professor of Wokistany History, Marcel Z. Derrida-Foucault calls to order his symposium intended to recruit the first student cohort into his newly-formed Revolutionary Pink Guard. He intends to overthrow and replace the current university administration with a proletarian council. Among his numerous faulty assumptions is the possibility of finding any proletarians at a distinguished Ivy-League university. It goes quickly downhill from there.
Professor: “I’d like to thank you all for coming here toda…”
Student 1: “Point of personal privilege.”
Professor: “The comrade is recognized.”
Student 1: “I’d like to request that we refrain from using militaristic terminology during this process. I find it triggering.”
Professor: “We’re trying to raise a revolutionary arm…”
Student 1: “See, you're doing it again. You’re using the ‘A’ word.”
Professor: “Army?”
Student 2: “Point of personal privilege.”
Professor: “The comrade is recognized.”
Student 2: “I feel like you are deliberately provoking the comrade by using militaristic terminology after they asked you to stop doing it.”
Professor: “Perhaps you both missed the part where we are here to violently overthrow the existing white cis patriarchy.”
Student 2: “‘Violently overthrow.’ That’s precisely what we're talking about.”
Student 3: “I don’t know how…”
Professor: “You didn’t call for a point of personal privilege. You’re speaking out of turn.”
Student 3: “Point of personal privilege.”
Professor: “The comrade is recognized.”
Student 3: “I don’t know how we are supposed to marshal— sorry, collect an ar…, uh, what’s a synonym for the ‘A’ word?”
Professor: “Fighting force?”
Pandemonium breaks out in the hall with students rending their clothes, falling to the floor in spasms, blowing boat horns, and shaking coin-filled coffee cans.
Professor, furiously pounding gavel: “ORDER! We will have order in the hall!”
Student 4: “Who put you in charge? Demanding order is patriarchal.”
Student 5: “Take the stage! We’re being oppressed!”
The hall erupts in chaotic violence. Irate students rush the stage. Folding chairs cartwheel overhead, smashing the lectern to splinters. The professor tries to flee the stage but is cornered by Antifa security.
Student 5: “Get them! They’re promoting violence!”
Student 2: “Them? There’s only one guy up there.”
Student 5: “Those are their preferred pronouns. We must remember to respect each other.”
Student 2: “We’re lynching him. That seems kinda’ disrespectful.”
Student 5: “You’re being judgmental. I’m sorry I invited you.”
The professor is surrounded by the trans contingent who are furiously flailing at them with feather boas and flaccid slapping. The professor is unharmed by this attack. They make a desperate break for the venue’s safe space, closely hounded by a posse of green- and blue-haired nonbinary assailants.
Non-student outside agitator: “Attack milkshakes! Get ‘em right here! I accept crypto!”
The professor reaches the safe space and slams the door in the enraged faces of his attackers. To his horror, he discovers that the lock has been removed under orders of the Third Assistant Director for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion of Students of Color With Longer Second Toes for being “problematic” and “exclusionary”. Using a plush animal as a battering ram, he breaks out the only window and leaps through it to his death three floors below. This enrages the crowd further.
Student 413: “He’s getting away with it! We’ve got to stop him!”
Student 5: “‘They’ is getting away with it. Please use proper pronouns. That lack of respect is a slippery slope. Before you know it, you’ll be deadnaming them.”
Student 2: “Well, he is kinda’ dead.”
Student 5: “‘They’ is kinda’ dead. How many times… ?”
Just then, the doors to the venue burst open, and campus police in full riot gear and gas masks over their N95s flood through the opening dispensing a rich Valium/ketamine fog that quickly fills the room. One by one, the students slump to the floor and assume the fetal position while thumb-sucking, but not necessarily their own.
The insurrection has been quelled.
Insane world and far cry from how it was when I was growing up. -_-