California Leaving, On Such a Winter's Day
President Moonbeam, Don’t Let the Door Hit You On the Way Out.
This was a piece I wrote five years ago when Jerry Brown was governor of California and a group was trying to get enough signatures to secede from the United States. It was never published but I think you might enjoy it anyway.
Recently, Tucker Carlson interviewed a chap named Shankar Singam, who represents Calexit, the movement promoting the secession of California. The interview, which you can (and should) watch here, quickly devolved to ridiculousness, prompting Tucker to ask the guest if the interview was a parody, if Singam was high, or if he (Carlson) was being punk’d on live TV.
Certainly, the most bizarro segment was when Singam said that the middle-class exodus from California was a “good thing,” because it “opens up spots” for immigrants. I wasn’t aware that as a middle-class person, I was inhabiting a “spot.” Apparently, if I left my state for another, someone patiently waiting in line to join the middle class would immediately fill my spot, and I would have to get in line in my new home state. I was under the impression that it was a socioeconomic description, and that there wasn’t an arbitrary limit on membership. Maybe I can sell my spot on Ebay and join the upper class.
In addition to the great financial benefits for California of a fleeing middle class, he explained, exporting Californians across the country will spread “our values” to various states and turn them blue (how this will benefit California as a sovereign state was not explained). Texas, for example. Apparently, so goes Austin goes the entire state. It never occurred to him that people might be leaving because of California’s “values.”
Earlier in the interview, Tucker asked how California would deal with federal lands, such as military bases and national parks. Singam had an answer for that, too. The federal government can lease the land, as they do in Germany and other foreign countries. Did I hear that correctly? The federal government can lease its own land from California? Or is he planning to “nationalize” Sequoia National Park and Vandenberg Air Base once California declares its independence? I suppose our military personnel will become POWs overnight. I’ll bet the transgender ones will join the California military (there’s an oxymoron). Imagine what that fighting force will look like.
He proceeded to explain that California already considers itself a sovereign state, and will ignore federal laws it finds inconvenient. Legalized pot and sanctuary cities were cited as examples. Great idea. Now Californians can get stuck behind stoned drivers crawling along on the expressways as we do here in Colorado. Except those drivers won’t be licensed or have insurance.
Singam made sure we were all aware that California is the fifth largest economy in the world, and we should consider ourselves lucky to have them while we still do. I wish I had been there to ask him where California was going to get its water for that booming agricultural industry which is an essential part of the state's towering economy, which will support all those newly middle-class illegal immigrants. They would need to buy it from us, a presumably hostile neighbor. I know how to ensure they make the payments, too. Just on this side of the border, we install huge storage tanks on the banks of the Colorado River. If they are ever so much as a day late, we dump millions of gallons of high-fructose corn syrup and red dye #2 into the water.
If I understand this movement correctly, Californians want to secede from the Union under the banner of Federalism so they can become independent Statists— in effect creating a new political animal, the Progressive Federalist Statist. Try writing a slogan for this movement.
I think we should give it a whirl, and let them secede. Sure, we’d end up paying more for artichokes and almonds, but we could recoup some of that through punitive water pricing. I’d prefer to consider the benefits: we could deny visas to Gwyneth Paltrow, Barbra Streisand, Leonardo DiCaprio, Rosie O’Donnell (!), Cher, George Clooney, and all the rest of the Gulfstream Liberals. Let’s see them march on Washington from Carmel-by-the-Sea. Plus, some of the illegal immigrants in the Lower 47 might flock to the newly-created sanctuary nation and we can watch California try to feed them all without federal welfare funds. Let’s hope they make Shankar Singam a senior economic adviser. He seems to have a firm grasp.
Next, Trump will build a wall, make California pay for it, and everyone will be happier on both sides.
Later, if they want back in, we make them pay a hefty security deposit.
I never realized California was trying to secede? Insanity. -_-
Thank you for your articles J. C. You have more nerve and guts in your little finger than I have in my entire body. Lead on J. C. Lead on!