“Hello, customer service?”
“It says right here on the package that I should contact you if I have questions or concerns. Well, I do. Lots of them. Concerns and questions. Both.
“Why does it have to be like this? Things were going so well. Then those commies came along and started spoiling things. So that’s a question and a concern right there.
“Hoo-boy, and the boob tube. There’s that one with the short hair. I mean holy mad cow, where’s she coming from? Mars? I thought men came from there. And the Young Twerks. How do these people get on the air? TV’s turned into a septic tank. Except for that one guy Greg Gutstein. That guy knows his P’s and Q’s. That dude in the Barcalounger is pretty funny, too. And Kat. Do you really think she has a hard time getting a date?
“Then there’s that wacko in Congress. ACO. Wow. That is some crazy stuff coming out of her yap. I hear she wants to give refrigerators to the Eskimos and free Netflix to jailbirds. I don’t understand half of it, but, let me tell you: that stuff is giving me a lot to be concerned about. And questions? Off the charts. How did she get in there? Don’t they screen these people? I have to pee in a cup to keep my job, and she just sashays right in.
“Here’s another question: once you’re fossilized, should you be allowed to stay in office? Remember that movie with the dead guy on vacation? Okay, that’s two questions. Sorry.
“You want to talk about questions? How about questioning? ‘-ing?’ What is that? How long does it take to ask a question? C’mon, ask the question and get it over with. We’re all busy trying to get along.
“There used to be two sexes— suits and skirts. Now there’s whole alphabets. Weird ones. Chicks with wangers. I’m a dirty old man and I could never dream up some of this stuff. And these transmensuals— they’re spoiled little hellions. I’m not calling you “they.” And why do we need to hear about this sex business all the time? I liked it better when people kept that stuff to themselves. You know what I mean? It was a lot simpler.
“And hair. Used to be blonde, brunette, and redhead. They said blondes had more fun but really it was the redheads. Well, there’s grey and white, but they used to be one of the others. Now all these colors: blue, orange, green. Why would you want green hair? These people look like jelly beans. And you had long hair or short hair. Not long on one side and short on the other. Make up your mind— and try to get your money back.
“Tattoos. You’re either a sailor with a social disease or you’re not. I think that’s called Cultural Reparations, or some such, when you take other people’s stuff. Those people are going to look pretty bad when they get all baggy and crepey. Ugh. Sorry I brought that up.
“You know there’s the Chinese and the Indians, right? And Africa. They’re not going to go along with this carbon neutered business. They’re called developing countries but they’re not dumb enough to fall for that.
“Straws? They’re banning straws? What’s next? Atomic Fireball wrappers? Toothpicks?
“I’m starting to feel like that guy who fell off the wall. Dumpy.
“I don’t know if you handle fears or irritations. It didn't say that on the package, but since I’ve got you . . .
“I wish those Environ Mental people would mind their own beeswax. That’s pretty irritating. You know? I’m just trying to manage my little patch of Heaven. I want to put in a fountain with those Japanese fish. Kwa, I think they’re called. Who’s this guy telling me I can’t do it? It’s my bleeping yard. Pardon my French.
“And now they’re gluing themselves to things. I hope they accidentally use that stuff when they’re wanking. Serve them right.
“Why are they trying to destroy everything? That scares the bejabbers out of me. Back in the sixties, we were blabbing on and on about this same stuff, but we weren't actually going to do it. We were just telling our parents how stupid they were. It was harmless fun, and the chicks totally fell for it. Then these boneheads go and do it.
“Did I mention the Chinese? And the Indians? They’re making babies over there and I have to pay for a grocery bag.
“Speaking of bags, how about these students? Four years of college and they can’t think their way out of a paper one. At least when we couldn’t think our way out of a paper bag we didn’t have to pay extra for it.
“California. We might as well give up on them. How can you elect someone worse than Moonbeam? And what are we supposed to call him? How about Moonbag?
“The package didn’t mention dreams or aspirations, either, but I’ve taken so much of your time already. And it’s late. Maybe another time.
“There used to be a song: I hope I die before I get old.
“I hope I die before they get old.
“Thanks for listening. I feel better already”
Hilarious!! I think the only thing you left out were the cheese and crackers!